[Sorry, the Dobber’s down with a flu today. We bring you instead the transcript of a one-sided commentary on Port Vile—sorry, Vila—traffic that the Dobber accidentally butt-recorded with his phone on his drive home.]

Awo 30Kph I love you 30Kph, but I no love you like 20Kph. 20K, you yessss, you slow like a gooood lover.... Kee...rikey, can you NOT MOVE...? Hey Mario Lanza: Here’s something to think about: ‘talk’ rhymes with ‘sidewalk’, and ‘drive’ rhymes with ‘would you just shut up and DRIVE?!?’

OH MY FFFFFF... yo, Nikki Lauda: Did nobody teach you the rickafricking rackafracking rule? SIGNAL first... then BRA-AKE. Why not try it, huh? SIGNAL... then BRA-AKE. GOOOood for you. SIGNAL... then BRA-AKE. You know what a signal is, right? Right? It are a in-di-ca-tor. Say it with me: IN. DI. CA. TOR. Good! I knew you could!

No—you go first. You’ve got the right of way—no, dude, it’s your turn. Would you just—fine, okay, I’ll—OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, make up your mind! If you wanted to—Fine. Fine, see I’m mov—HEY! Hey, macka fracka, since when did you think it was cool to pass me on the right side when I’m making a left turn and then STOP RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME? Did you get your license from a cereal box? Oh who am I kidding? You don’t even have a license, do you, Fittipaldi?

Hi what hello? Sorry who? Hi. Look, I’m driving right now can I call you right ba—what? WHAT? Can a dog even reach there?!? But how did he... okay. Okay, look, I’m driving just let me...how many stitches? On his what?!? Fine I’ll meet you at the hospital, just... Hello? Hello? Hell—OH NO YOU DID NOT! You DID NOT just pull right out in front of me on an empty road and then SLOW DOWN!!! How dare y—what? Oh. Haha. Sorry, no. I was talking to the—what? No, there is no one in the car. No, I will not pass you to ‘that bimbette’ because there IS NO bimbette in the ca—I was talking to another driver. No, no, with the windows up. It’s just something I—Fine. Okay, see you at the hospital. I’m almost there. Love you too.

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